Rethinking Kindness in Leadership: Why It Is Not Always Enough
The Moment I Realized Kindness Was Not Enough
I have learned many lessons in leadership. Some came from mentors. Some came from experience. Some came from getting it wrong and having to start again. And some came from the old sayings we all hear early in our careers. One of the most common is the phrase kill them with kindness.
The idea has been around for generations. It shows up in parenting advice, customer service training, conflict resolution workshops, and even in old folklore. The meaning is simple. When someone is difficult, respond with kindness. When someone is sharp, soften your tone. When someone is resistant, stay warm and patient. The belief is that kindness disarms people and creates space for connection. I bought into that one. Fully. And in one organization it worked beautifully. Kindness opened doors. Kindness softened conflict. Kindness created trust. It helped me build relationships and move the work forward. I saw it as a strategy that could travel with me anywhere.
Then I stepped into a new leadership role in a new organization and tried the same approach. It did not work. Not even a little. It was as if the staff had been sprayed with something that made kindness slide right off. Nothing stuck. Nothing landed. Nothing moved. I was stunned. I kept trying because it had always worked before. But the more I tried, the more obvious it became. This was not the right strategy for this environment. I had to pivot. I have written before about how often leadership requires a pivot. This was one of those moments. I needed a new approach and I needed it quickly.
What I found surprised me. It was a strategy I had never considered. Kill them with professionalism.
The Cape of Professionalism
Kill them with professionalism does not mean being cold or robotic. It does not mean removing humanity from the work. It means stepping into an ultra professional mode when the situation calls for it. It means being clear. It means being steady. It means communicating without softening the message or sandwiching it between compliments. It means choosing language that does not create big reactions or emotional spirals. It means staying grounded in the work and the expectations.
Professionalism became the cape I needed. It helped me navigate tough conversations with clarity. It helped me manage challenging groups without losing my footing. It helped me stay kind without being overly accommodating. It helped me hold boundaries without apology. It sharpened how I communicate in moments that matter.
Kindness Is Still My Default
Even with all of this, kindness remains my default. It is how I move through the world. It is how I lead when the environment allows for it. But leadership is never one skill. It is a mix. Reading the room matters. Meeting people where they are matters. Understanding your intention matters. I wrote about intention in an earlier piece because it shapes everything. When you know what you are trying to do, you can choose the right approach for the moment.
And I want to be clear. None of these lessons are from my current organization. These were earlier chapters in my leadership journey. Different cultures. Different expectations. Different seasons of growth. They taught me what works, what does not, and how important it is to adapt your approach instead of assuming one strategy will fit every environment.
Some environments respond to kindness. Some do not. Some teams trust it. Some do not. Some cultures welcome it. Some do not know what to do with it. Professionalism, though, travels everywhere. It is steady. It is neutral. It is respected. It gives you room to lead without losing yourself.